To Carry the Light in This Earthly Realm

When I sat down in meditation with commitment 460 days ago, I had no idea where the practice would take me. There was simply a knowing within me that this was the only way. So I sat and meditated in the pain of a suffering mind, a mind that for years had strived to become joyful, grateful, and happy, a mind that had strived to become the love I had once experienced so deeply in the forests of Kyoto. So I sat in the silence of my room, although my mind was far from silent. I wanted it to stop being so loud. I covered my eyes and became still, almost as though even the smallest amount of light detected by the senses was adding to the chaos of the mind. Then, for a moment, the thoughts stopped screaming and began to whisper. Oh, such a relief! Not long after a voice seemed to surface, as though it were somehow separate from the thoughts themselves. Who are you? Who is speaking to me within this calmer ocean of thought? I would never receive a final answer, although I have asked the question thousands of times.

It does not matter anymore. There is something within us that, seems not to belong entirely to the ordinary movements of this earthly human mind, something that communicates, something that seems to want to enter into conversation with us.

Over these 460 days, I have learned to recognize you more clearly. I have you more under control now. I have befriended you and your creations. You still come. You still overwhelm me. You still create worlds, fears, hopes, images, memories, and possibilities, but I no longer need to believe everything you say.

Now I walk the path of love with more peace in my heart. You are my guide through life. At times, You overwhelm me with the longing to join You beyond this body. But I no longer only long to return to You beyond this earthly realm. I long to become more fully You here, within this body, within this human life. I long to become the fullest expression of Your light and love that this limited human form is capable of carrying in the earthly realm.